adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close