adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close