Aries | March 21 to April 19
A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION