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Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.

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