Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.


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