Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 31

Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full 14 hours before bedtime. "At 8:20 a.m., Len had a Meat Lover's Skillet at the Waffle House, providing him with an estimated 2,150 calories," dietitian Dr. Dan Yary said. "Thirty minutes later, en route to work, he picked up an 800-calorie Cinnabon roll, three bites into which he passed the 2,400 mark." Blake also ate one of the recommended five daily servings of vegetables in the form of onions in his hash browns.

New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will receive unlimited access to all bars and nightclubs, three drink tickets, and a free 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt," said Mayor Marc Morial, flanked by a pair of the city's bouncers. "Those who want to leave the city and return before 2 a.m. can get their hand stamped for readmission." Women who flash their breasts will be admitted at the reduced rate of $8.

God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the Vikings organization," God announced from Heaven, "I have heard the pleas of Lester Ruddick in the final moments of a devastating 30-27 Bears loss to the Vikings, and My wrath shall burn forever against you. No supplication, no contrition can help you now. Every last one of you, from All-Pro wideout Randy Moss all the way down to third-string left guard Chris Liwienski, shall be damned to an eternity of pain and suffering."

Jury Finds Defendant Pretty

FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her peers Monday. "She has an absolutely lovely face–it took no time at all for us to reach a consensus about that," jury foreman Richard Bloch, 58, said. "And her neck is amazingly long and graceful like a swan's." Kent was longingly cross-examined for nearly an hour before the verdict of pretty was announced.

Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself

I love the short yellow school bus! Riding the bus is fun! I ride the bus to school every day, but I also ride the bus to other places, too. When I go on trips with Miss Lang and everybody in the special-needs class, we all get on the bus and go to the zoo or the planetarium. One time, we ate pizza at Pizza Hut, and we took the bus then, too. And you know what? Someday, I'm going to drive the bus myself!

Western Wildfires

Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographic–a purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. "I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?" said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. "Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle." McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose.

Exit Interview Goes Well

DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with human-resources associate Lorraine Bochy "went pretty well."

The Firestone Tire Recall

Last month, Firestone announced a recall of 6.5 million tires following reports of 46 deaths related to blowouts of tires on Ford sport-utility vehicles. The death toll has since risen to 88. What do you think?
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Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.
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