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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become one with the Universe next week, incurring the wrath of all the Universe's old boyfriends.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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