Horoscope for the week of September 8, 1999

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of September 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become one with the Universe next week, incurring the wrath of all the Universe's old boyfriends.