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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become one with the Universe next week, incurring the wrath of all the Universe's old boyfriends.

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