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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.

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