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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.

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