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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

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Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
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Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.

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