Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well aswait a second! That's no moon!
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.
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