Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

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Vol 32 Issue 06

Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess

LONDON—In a development that has baffled experts, the geopolitical balance of power has been strangely unaffected by the death of Princess Diana, considered by many to be the world's most important person. According to reports, there have been no measurable changes in treaty alignments, trade agreements, defense budgets, poverty levels, international tariffs, taxation proposals, human-rights measures, world fiscal policy, education programs, deficit reduction, literacy rates, distribution of power, birth rates, public irrigation, disease research, pollution levels, distribution of wealth or any other major global trends since her death on Aug. 31. "I don't get it," said Oxford University professor Sir Jeremy Eton-Shropshire. "This is clearly one of the biggest news events of the century, yet it's almost as if the death of Diana is an event of no demonstrable significance."

Independent-Film Festival Crushed By Paramount Troops

AUSTIN, TX—Six independent film producers and over 100 art-house patrons are dead following a hostile invasion of the 23rd annual Austin Film Festival by a squadron of Paramount Pictures troops Monday. "The movie industry has been liberated for all of blockbusterdom," said Sgt. Roy McCue of Paramount's 53rd Armored Division, announcing the raid. "The moviegoing public is finally safe from the independent filmmakers who are incapable of giving them the big-budget, computer-animated spectaculars they crave. No longer will confused, victimized movie lovers pay $6.50 to see films like In The Company Of Men, when films with budgets 25 times bigger, like Con Air, can be seen for the same price."

Area Gambler Likes Those Odds

RENO, NV—Area gambler Steve Ehrlich, in an official statement to his lucky dice at a Caesar's Palace craps table Monday, announced that he "likes those odds." Ehrlich, who has lost over $40,000 gambling in the past year, plans to regain the sum several times over in the next few hours via a "can't-miss" combination of lady luck and "that old Ehrlich magic." "My lucky stars are shining tonight," he said. "By this time tomorrow, my double mortgage will be paid off in full, and I'll be rolling in the do-re-mi, baby."

Amtrak Passengers Treated To Whirlwind Tour of Poor People's Yards

CHICAGO—Amtrak passengers traveling on the "Heartland Express" through Illinois were treated to a special sight Monday: mile after mile of yards belonging to low-income Americans. "I was happy enough to be going to Chicago," said commuter Janice Beasley, "but to see all those rusted-out swingsets and sagging porches was just the perfect bonus." Amtrak boasted that all their lines offer such views.

Grecian Formula Falls Into Non-Grecian Hands

SOLDOMAYA, GRECIA—In a daring midnight raid Tuesday, an unidentified band of foreign spies broke into a secret government hair-care lab and stole the closely guarded Grecian Formula, badly compromising Grecian national security and drastically shifting the global balance of dark, youthful-looking hair. "This is a terrible blow to our nation," said Grecian deputy foreign minister Alzun Teoderic, 67, sporting a lustrous, chestnut-brown mane of hair. "Our enemies can now look 10, even 20 years younger." It is believed to be the most serious international cosmetics incident since 1978, when Estée Lauder secretly drained millions of gallons of oil reserves from the Republic of Olay.

I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

Back in the '70s, I was the best damn bantamweight in Philadelphia. No one would stand up and say anything different because they know they'd be the fool. I beat them all. I downed Kid Dupree with my famous right hook in the third round. I knocked out Texas Tall four times in my career, even though he had nine inches on me. My secret? I was a beenobing, and I fought like a beenobing.

The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

To-day's Sermon concerns the Youth of our Parish, who as I speak are committing Perverted Acts of the Veriest Onanism; that is, the Manipulation and Touching of Bodily Organs God creat'd for the Enabling of the Propagation of Man, for the sole Purpose of Luxurious Pleasurement and Gratification of the Self.

Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one....

Zweibel 'N' The Kids

Yesterday, my great-great-great grand-niece burst into my bed-chamber with her two young brats in tow. "Uncle Zweibel," asked Ludmilla, "can you watch the kids while I go shopping?" The very idea was the height of absurdity, but Ludmilla noted that it was the nanny's day off, and that I had ordered the rest of the servants to witness the flogging of the chauffeur. Consequently, there was no-one to watch the children. "Why not that damned ro-bot nurse of mine?" I said. But Mr. Tin, who happened to be in the room, said that it was not programmed to attend to tots.

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Entertainment

Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of minutes you spent talking multiplied by $3.95.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Give yourself a special treat this week. Kill your mother. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will enjoy a financial windfall this week. Be circumspect in spending this money, however, or the PTA will get a new treasurer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Because of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Though the mystical force of the harmonious alignment of the stars promises a fruitful aura-vibration for you this week, the forces of physics have arranged for you to die in a tragic bus accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your life will continue pretty much as it always has.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your cats will be ostracized when the neighbor who finds you dead in your house tells everyone how they ate your ears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars have noted that you are still single. They find this to be hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Do not let your life be controlled by your profound hatred of Cloris Leachman. Instead, focus and feed off your profound hatred of yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Do not worry too much about the recent legislation making love a crime. Even if they manage to take you alive, no jury in the world would ever find you guilty.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Though Time magazine promised to put you on its cover someday, beautiful, rich celebrities will soon begin dying so often that there will never be any room for you.
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