Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of minutes you spent talking multiplied by $3.95.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Give yourself a special treat this week. Kill your mother. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy a financial windfall this week. Be circumspect in spending this money, however, or the PTA will get a new treasurer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Because of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though the mystical force of the harmonious alignment of the stars promises a fruitful aura-vibration for you this week, the forces of physics have arranged for you to die in a tragic bus accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life will continue pretty much as it always has.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cats will be ostracized when the neighbor who finds you dead in your house tells everyone how they ate your ears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have noted that you are still single. They find this to be hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not let your life be controlled by your profound hatred of Cloris Leachman. Instead, focus and feed off your profound hatred of yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Do not worry too much about the recent legislation making love a crime. Even if they manage to take you alive, no jury in the world would ever find you guilty.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though Time magazine promised to put you on its cover someday, beautiful, rich celebrities will soon begin dying so often that there will never be any room for you.