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Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of minutes you spent talking multiplied by $3.95.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Give yourself a special treat this week. Kill your mother. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy a financial windfall this week. Be circumspect in spending this money, however, or the PTA will get a new treasurer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Because of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though the mystical force of the harmonious alignment of the stars promises a fruitful aura-vibration for you this week, the forces of physics have arranged for you to die in a tragic bus accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life will continue pretty much as it always has.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cats will be ostracized when the neighbor who finds you dead in your house tells everyone how they ate your ears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have noted that you are still single. They find this to be hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not let your life be controlled by your profound hatred of Cloris Leachman. Instead, focus and feed off your profound hatred of yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Do not worry too much about the recent legislation making love a crime. Even if they manage to take you alive, no jury in the world would ever find you guilty.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though Time magazine promised to put you on its cover someday, beautiful, rich celebrities will soon begin dying so often that there will never be any room for you.

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