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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.

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