Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
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Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.


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