Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.
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