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Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.

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