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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.
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