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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscopes 4142

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be offered the chance to make amends with everyone you've ever wronged, but the stars are putting good money on your deciding not to.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Drinking is not the answer to your problems. However, since sex addiction is in fact the answer to all your problems, your lifestyle need not change.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It is neither sentience nor a sense of humor that separates us from the animals. Turns out it's actually celebrity zookeeper Jack Hanna.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your sudden and extreme maritime promotion can be traced less to competence and seamanship than to the tradition of captains going down with the ship.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When all is said and done, everyone will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your arm, you were right about caribou.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Taking some time off is fine, necessary even, but before you know it, three months have gone by and you haven't killed any more nurses.

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