adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscopes 4142

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be offered the chance to make amends with everyone you've ever wronged, but the stars are putting good money on your deciding not to.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Drinking is not the answer to your problems. However, since sex addiction is in fact the answer to all your problems, your lifestyle need not change.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It is neither sentience nor a sense of humor that separates us from the animals. Turns out it's actually celebrity zookeeper Jack Hanna.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your sudden and extreme maritime promotion can be traced less to competence and seamanship than to the tradition of captains going down with the ship.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When all is said and done, everyone will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your arm, you were right about caribou.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Taking some time off is fine, necessary even, but before you know it, three months have gone by and you haven't killed any more nurses.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close