Horoscopes 4142

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Vol 41 Issue 42

Reading Incomprehension

Recent standardized-test scores show that, while American students' math scores are acceptable, their reading comprehension is unsatisfactory. What do you think?

The Chinese In Space

China's second manned space capsule just returned from orbit, paving the way for a future Chinese moon mission. What do you think?

Mardi Gras 2006?

Mardi Gras organizers in New Orleans promised that they will hold the celebration in February 2006 as planned, despite the destruction caused by...

MLB Introduces Todd Zeile Award For Participation

MILWAUKEE—In recognition of Todd Zeile, who took an active part in over 2,000 games while playing for 11 different teams, the MLB commissioner's office has dedicated an award in his name, to be presented annually to honorary participants in America's pastime.
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Horoscopes 4142

  • Aries

    Aries

    It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be offered the chance to make amends with everyone you've ever wronged, but the stars are putting good money on your deciding not to.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Drinking is not the answer to your problems. However, since sex addiction is in fact the answer to all your problems, your lifestyle need not change.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It is neither sentience nor a sense of humor that separates us from the animals. Turns out it's actually celebrity zookeeper Jack Hanna.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your sudden and extreme maritime promotion can be traced less to competence and seamanship than to the tradition of captains going down with the ship.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    When all is said and done, everyone will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your arm, you were right about caribou.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Taking some time off is fine, necessary even, but before you know it, three months have gone by and you haven't killed any more nurses.
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