Aries | March 21 to April 19
It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be offered the chance to make amends with everyone you've ever wronged, but the stars are putting good money on your deciding not to.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Drinking is not the answer to your problems. However, since sex addiction is in fact the answer to all your problems, your lifestyle need not change.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It is neither sentience nor a sense of humor that separates us from the animals. Turns out it's actually celebrity zookeeper Jack Hanna.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your sudden and extreme maritime promotion can be traced less to competence and seamanship than to the tradition of captains going down with the ship.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
When all is said and done, everyone will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your arm, you were right about caribou.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Taking some time off is fine, necessary even, but before you know it, three months have gone by and you haven't killed any more nurses.
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