Horoscopes 4144

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 44

Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

It was recently announced that Omar al-Farouq, a top al-Qaeda operative, was among four prisoners to escape a U.S.-run prison in Afghanistan last...

Rioting Continues In Paris

The French police have taken 22 young people into custody after more than a week of riots in a northeastern suburb of Paris. What do you...

Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code

NEW YORK—With the newly implemented dress code being met with criticism from players like Allen Iverson and Marcus Camby, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that he will clarify any and all concerns by imposing an even stricter, more detailed code of dress and conduct so that players can more accurately follow it to the letter.

Dems Force Closed Senate

Minority Leader Harry Reid called for a private Senate session Tuesday to demand an investigation into pre-war intelligence handling. What do...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Horoscopes 4144

  • Aries

    Aries

    Next time, you will know better than to attend the International Maim All The Aries Festival just because some band you really like is playing the main stage.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Toddlers will persistently try to befriend you this week, utterly failing to comprehend that you suffer from an acute case of skeletal dysplasias.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A bum will mistake your abstract lower-back tattoo for a scratch-off lottery ticket and gouge you to the spine, but on the bright side, he'll win 50 bucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Yes, there is a saying that we always hurt the ones we love, but it doesn't mention anything about using a radial arm saw.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be blessed with the arrival of a brand-new little life this week, although you will be rather disturbed by the way it crawls out of the toilet and begins caterwauling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Patrons in the Louvre Museum will get an unexpected laugh this week when a runaway Citroen decapitates you, launching your severed head three blocks to land perfectly on to the top of the Venus de Milo.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll lose the use of your left arm this week when your city uses rather draconian eminent-domain laws to commandeer it for garbage-hauling and tree-removal duties.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Although the mystical Rainbow Serpent isn't happy about sharing his symbology with the gay-rights movement, you should still be very, very careful about making fun of his lesbian sister Jen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Theater owners will probably look the other way if you want to sneak candy, soda, and snacks into the movies, but if you really want to carry the stuff in your colon, no one can stop you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars indicate that you will receive 15 percent off your next Denny's breakfast if you mention this special celestial message.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm A Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More