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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Horoscopes 4144

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next time, you will know better than to attend the International Maim All The Aries Festival just because some band you really like is playing the main stage.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Toddlers will persistently try to befriend you this week, utterly failing to comprehend that you suffer from an acute case of skeletal dysplasias.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bum will mistake your abstract lower-back tattoo for a scratch-off lottery ticket and gouge you to the spine, but on the bright side, he'll win 50 bucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, there is a saying that we always hurt the ones we love, but it doesn't mention anything about using a radial arm saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be blessed with the arrival of a brand-new little life this week, although you will be rather disturbed by the way it crawls out of the toilet and begins caterwauling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Patrons in the Louvre Museum will get an unexpected laugh this week when a runaway Citroen decapitates you, launching your severed head three blocks to land perfectly on to the top of the Venus de Milo.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll lose the use of your left arm this week when your city uses rather draconian eminent-domain laws to commandeer it for garbage-hauling and tree-removal duties.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Although the mystical Rainbow Serpent isn't happy about sharing his symbology with the gay-rights movement, you should still be very, very careful about making fun of his lesbian sister Jen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Theater owners will probably look the other way if you want to sneak candy, soda, and snacks into the movies, but if you really want to carry the stuff in your colon, no one can stop you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that you will receive 15 percent off your next Denny's breakfast if you mention this special celestial message.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm A Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.

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