adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscopes 4144

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next time, you will know better than to attend the International Maim All The Aries Festival just because some band you really like is playing the main stage.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Toddlers will persistently try to befriend you this week, utterly failing to comprehend that you suffer from an acute case of skeletal dysplasias.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bum will mistake your abstract lower-back tattoo for a scratch-off lottery ticket and gouge you to the spine, but on the bright side, he'll win 50 bucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, there is a saying that we always hurt the ones we love, but it doesn't mention anything about using a radial arm saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be blessed with the arrival of a brand-new little life this week, although you will be rather disturbed by the way it crawls out of the toilet and begins caterwauling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Patrons in the Louvre Museum will get an unexpected laugh this week when a runaway Citroen decapitates you, launching your severed head three blocks to land perfectly on to the top of the Venus de Milo.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll lose the use of your left arm this week when your city uses rather draconian eminent-domain laws to commandeer it for garbage-hauling and tree-removal duties.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Although the mystical Rainbow Serpent isn't happy about sharing his symbology with the gay-rights movement, you should still be very, very careful about making fun of his lesbian sister Jen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Theater owners will probably look the other way if you want to sneak candy, soda, and snacks into the movies, but if you really want to carry the stuff in your colon, no one can stop you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that you will receive 15 percent off your next Denny's breakfast if you mention this special celestial message.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm A Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close