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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscopes 4147

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The title of World's Greatest Escape Artist will be passed from Houdini to you this week, after you escape not from handcuffs or a straightjacket, but from a loveless marriage with only the aid of vodka.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, your family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A weary mind can often be relieved with a simple change of scenery. Politely ask your captors if they would allow you to take a brief walk around the block.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother, for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A leap of logic will result in the worst-selling novelty product of all-time and leave you stuck with a football-field-sized warehouse filled with real vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sense of hearing is often the first to go, but with you, it's the sense of dignity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars haven't been feeling very comfortable with metaphors lately, but here goes: You will contract the HIV of sexually transmitted diseases this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your discovery of Ponce de Leon's famed Fountain Of Youth will be marred by the unfortunate, simultaneous discovery of a half-dozen infants drowned in its waters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A romantic hot-air-balloon ride will quickly sour when it becomes clear that you and your husband are guinea pigs in a dangerously amateurish meteorological experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, if you were able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the annual Chemistry And Engineering Institute Of Vermont Christmas celebration is weeks away, you're already beginning to dread the laborious chore of whipping up a bowl of your famous homemade Cheetos.

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