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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscopes 4147

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The title of World's Greatest Escape Artist will be passed from Houdini to you this week, after you escape not from handcuffs or a straightjacket, but from a loveless marriage with only the aid of vodka.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, your family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A weary mind can often be relieved with a simple change of scenery. Politely ask your captors if they would allow you to take a brief walk around the block.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother, for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A leap of logic will result in the worst-selling novelty product of all-time and leave you stuck with a football-field-sized warehouse filled with real vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sense of hearing is often the first to go, but with you, it's the sense of dignity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars haven't been feeling very comfortable with metaphors lately, but here goes: You will contract the HIV of sexually transmitted diseases this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your discovery of Ponce de Leon's famed Fountain Of Youth will be marred by the unfortunate, simultaneous discovery of a half-dozen infants drowned in its waters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A romantic hot-air-balloon ride will quickly sour when it becomes clear that you and your husband are guinea pigs in a dangerously amateurish meteorological experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, if you were able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the annual Chemistry And Engineering Institute Of Vermont Christmas celebration is weeks away, you're already beginning to dread the laborious chore of whipping up a bowl of your famous homemade Cheetos.
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