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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscopes 4147

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The title of World's Greatest Escape Artist will be passed from Houdini to you this week, after you escape not from handcuffs or a straightjacket, but from a loveless marriage with only the aid of vodka.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, your family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A weary mind can often be relieved with a simple change of scenery. Politely ask your captors if they would allow you to take a brief walk around the block.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother, for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A leap of logic will result in the worst-selling novelty product of all-time and leave you stuck with a football-field-sized warehouse filled with real vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sense of hearing is often the first to go, but with you, it's the sense of dignity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars haven't been feeling very comfortable with metaphors lately, but here goes: You will contract the HIV of sexually transmitted diseases this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your discovery of Ponce de Leon's famed Fountain Of Youth will be marred by the unfortunate, simultaneous discovery of a half-dozen infants drowned in its waters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A romantic hot-air-balloon ride will quickly sour when it becomes clear that you and your husband are guinea pigs in a dangerously amateurish meteorological experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, if you were able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the annual Chemistry And Engineering Institute Of Vermont Christmas celebration is weeks away, you're already beginning to dread the laborious chore of whipping up a bowl of your famous homemade Cheetos.

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