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Vol 41 Issue 47

Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera?

According to a leaked memo, President Bush talked about targeting the headquarters of Arabic news station Al-Jazeera in a meeting with Tony Blair in...

"Tookie" To Be Executed?

Crips founder, children's book author, and anti-gang activist Stanley "Tookie" Williams is scheduled for execution next week unless granted clemency by Gov. Schwarzenegger. What do you think?

NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles

NEW YORK—National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced Tuesday that, after over a decade without a football team, Los Angeles would become the home of all 32 NFL franchises by 2010.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Horoscopes 4147

  • Aries

    Aries

    Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The title of World's Greatest Escape Artist will be passed from Houdini to you this week, after you escape not from handcuffs or a straightjacket, but from a loveless marriage with only the aid of vodka.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, your family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A weary mind can often be relieved with a simple change of scenery. Politely ask your captors if they would allow you to take a brief walk around the block.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother, for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A leap of logic will result in the worst-selling novelty product of all-time and leave you stuck with a football-field-sized warehouse filled with real vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The sense of hearing is often the first to go, but with you, it's the sense of dignity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars haven't been feeling very comfortable with metaphors lately, but here goes: You will contract the HIV of sexually transmitted diseases this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your discovery of Ponce de Leon's famed Fountain Of Youth will be marred by the unfortunate, simultaneous discovery of a half-dozen infants drowned in its waters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A romantic hot-air-balloon ride will quickly sour when it becomes clear that you and your husband are guinea pigs in a dangerously amateurish meteorological experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, if you were able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Though the annual Chemistry And Engineering Institute Of Vermont Christmas celebration is weeks away, you're already beginning to dread the laborious chore of whipping up a bowl of your famous homemade Cheetos.
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