adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Youe Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will mistakenly bring your enemies list instead of your grocery list to the supermarket this week, resulting in the purchase of a bottle of Paul Newman's ranch dressing, a box of Uncle Ben's Minute Rice, and artichokes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A disastrous pattern error will result this week in a fashionable dress you are finally able to fit into.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your reputation as a great conversationalist will be challenged this week, when you steer a discussion momentarily outside of the DC/Marvel universes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While at first it may have seemed like a pleasant, carefree way to pass the time, you'll be brought to your knees by next week's word jumble.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It could just be a coincidence, but you're starting to suspect there's more to your local Barnes & Noble's decision to move its Gay/Lesbian section next to its Self-Help section.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will succeed beyond your wildest expectations this week, when you win a pie-eating contest and then, minutes later, take first place in a pie-vomiting contest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure, it's disappointing, even heartbreaking, but if you look at it another way, everybody won that child-custody battle.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What begins as an innocent, civilized debate over who has the sharpest butterfly knife will quickly turn heated this week, ending minutes later in unforeseen tragedy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've long known the guys at NASA have a tendency to pull pranks, but you'll still agree to check on a supposedly broken wind tunnel next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After politely refusing to join the mile-high club, the three-quarter-mile-high club, and the half-mile-high club, you will finally acquiesce, and join the 322-feet-high club during next Monday's flight.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've experienced the convenience of the "copy" keyboard shortcut for years now, but it'll really start paying off after you discover the "paste" keyboard shortcut this week.

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close