adBlockCheck

Youe Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Youe Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will mistakenly bring your enemies list instead of your grocery list to the supermarket this week, resulting in the purchase of a bottle of Paul Newman's ranch dressing, a box of Uncle Ben's Minute Rice, and artichokes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A disastrous pattern error will result this week in a fashionable dress you are finally able to fit into.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your reputation as a great conversationalist will be challenged this week, when you steer a discussion momentarily outside of the DC/Marvel universes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While at first it may have seemed like a pleasant, carefree way to pass the time, you'll be brought to your knees by next week's word jumble.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It could just be a coincidence, but you're starting to suspect there's more to your local Barnes & Noble's decision to move its Gay/Lesbian section next to its Self-Help section.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will succeed beyond your wildest expectations this week, when you win a pie-eating contest and then, minutes later, take first place in a pie-vomiting contest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure, it's disappointing, even heartbreaking, but if you look at it another way, everybody won that child-custody battle.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What begins as an innocent, civilized debate over who has the sharpest butterfly knife will quickly turn heated this week, ending minutes later in unforeseen tragedy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've long known the guys at NASA have a tendency to pull pranks, but you'll still agree to check on a supposedly broken wind tunnel next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After politely refusing to join the mile-high club, the three-quarter-mile-high club, and the half-mile-high club, you will finally acquiesce, and join the 322-feet-high club during next Monday's flight.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've experienced the convenience of the "copy" keyboard shortcut for years now, but it'll really start paying off after you discover the "paste" keyboard shortcut this week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close