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Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.

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