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Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

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With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.

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