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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.

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