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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created man, she was only kidding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate, because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge—or the woman who knows what's going on?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A milestone looms before you on your life's road. Reassure yourself by realizing that "forty" is not "the F-word."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.

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