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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created man, she was only kidding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate, because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge—or the woman who knows what's going on?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A milestone looms before you on your life's road. Reassure yourself by realizing that "forty" is not "the F-word."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.

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