Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created man, she was only kidding.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate, because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge—or the woman who knows what's going on?
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A milestone looms before you on your life's road. Reassure yourself by realizing that "forty" is not "the F-word."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.
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