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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's no coincidence that they call it "the milk of human kindness."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    I always wanted to be a milkman— it’s the family business!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In Heaven, when you die, there will surely be plenty of milk.


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