adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's no coincidence that they call it "the milk of human kindness."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    I always wanted to be a milkman— it’s the family business!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In Heaven, when you die, there will surely be plenty of milk.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close