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Vol 31 Issue 16

DEA Accepts Record $280 Million Drug Bribe

WASHINGTON, DC—Drug Enforcement Administration officials announced Monday the largest-ever drug bribe received by the agency. The $280 million bribe, which was airdropped over DEA headquarters by an unmarked twin-engine plane from South America, exceeds the previous record bribe by almost $50 million. Said Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey: "This enormous bribe will ensure the smooth transport of Colombian drugs across our borders and into our nation's public schools for years to come." Added McCaffrey, "Winners don't use drugs."

A&E Biography Host Peter Graves Comes Out In Ellen-Inspired Ratings Grab

LOS ANGELES—In an Ellen-like ploy for higher ratings, the producers of A&E's Biography have chosen to reveal the homosexuality of host Peter Graves. "I am a gay man," Graves announced Monday on the season-ending episode of Biography, which chronicled the life of silent film legend Buster Keaton. As clips from Keaton's film career were shown, Graves spoke of the joy he has long derived from the committed, loving relationship he enjoys with his longtime partner, Stan. "I love my boyfriend Stan more than anything in the whole world," Graves said. No sponsors pulled out of the show.

McDonald's Fights World Hunger With New Triple-Decker Burger

OAK PARK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation took a giant step toward conquering the problem of world hunger Monday, unveiling its new McTriple Decker Cheeseburger. "Boasting more than a half pound of grade-A meat, this big, beefy burger is guaranteed to cure any hunger," McDonald's director of public relations Gregory Meacham said. "Believe me, no child, no matter how hungry, will still be starving after eating the new McTriple Decker." McDonald's will focus its marketing efforts on hunger-wracked nations such as Rwanda, India and Cambodia, promoting the new burger through billboards, television ads and flyers dropped from airplanes. Said Duk Soo Park, a North Korean peasant dying of malnutrition, "Please, help."

Wanted: Food Chewer

That's it. I'm through with that ox of a nurse. I despise the way her buttocks ripple shamelessly back and forth under the thin fabric of her white uniform as she walks. She gives me sponge baths with ice-water, changes my colostomy bag only when it's so full of urine that it has grown to the size of the Graf zeppelin, and feeds me my castor-oil with an old spoon with an icky metal taste. She also greases the rectal thermometer with limburger cheese.

Dude, I Almost Got Drafted

Hola amigos. Workin' hard or hardly workin'? If you know me, you know my answer to that question. And if you don't know me, then hang on, 'cause you're in for a wild ride. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but my time has been occupied with the usual: fast cars, fast women and fine whiskey.

Premarital Counseling

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's no coincidence that they call it "the milk of human kindness."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    I always wanted to be a milkman— it’s the family business!
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    In Heaven, when you die, there will surely be plenty of milk.
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