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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus in your sun sign means that you'll spend many hours this week traveling through some rough and unfamiliar romantic territory. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There comes a time in a man's life when he begins to take stock—his thoughts turn to his place in the world, his impending mortality, and the meaning of life, if any at all... But yours will stay pretty much fixed on vaginas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to remember that love is not a game for cowards. It's also not fair, not played by any rules, and not a game you can win, so good luck, Romeo.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'd always dreamed of the many glamorous ways in which being a rhino hunter would change your life, but it's pretty much the way it's always been except for hunting all the charging rhinos.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shunned by some of the more traditional members of the tightly knit community of pornography directors for your tendency to ruin climactic moments by splashing the actresses with all the wrong bodily fluids.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enactors.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be mortified at the group of self-righteous, middle-income, non-nurse-murdering losers that the state seems to consider a jury of your peers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one knew that when you said "your own special brand of justice" you were just talking about another variation of the old ding-dong-ditch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You seem to glow with your own special inner light, which is probably because of all that radium in your diet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Despite your talents and capabilities, you are just one person. Stop insisting that you're a 14-piece bluegrass band.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the older women on the parole board.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Jesus Himself in all His heavenly glory will appear before you, but unfortunately, the dream will only be moderately erotic.

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