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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus in your sun sign means that you'll spend many hours this week traveling through some rough and unfamiliar romantic territory. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There comes a time in a man's life when he begins to take stock—his thoughts turn to his place in the world, his impending mortality, and the meaning of life, if any at all... But yours will stay pretty much fixed on vaginas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to remember that love is not a game for cowards. It's also not fair, not played by any rules, and not a game you can win, so good luck, Romeo.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'd always dreamed of the many glamorous ways in which being a rhino hunter would change your life, but it's pretty much the way it's always been except for hunting all the charging rhinos.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shunned by some of the more traditional members of the tightly knit community of pornography directors for your tendency to ruin climactic moments by splashing the actresses with all the wrong bodily fluids.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enactors.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be mortified at the group of self-righteous, middle-income, non-nurse-murdering losers that the state seems to consider a jury of your peers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one knew that when you said "your own special brand of justice" you were just talking about another variation of the old ding-dong-ditch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You seem to glow with your own special inner light, which is probably because of all that radium in your diet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Despite your talents and capabilities, you are just one person. Stop insisting that you're a 14-piece bluegrass band.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the older women on the parole board.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Jesus Himself in all His heavenly glory will appear before you, but unfortunately, the dream will only be moderately erotic.

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