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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All your plans that are not impossible are too intimidating for you to ever seriously contemplate carrying them out, but good luck anyway.