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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All your plans that are not impossible are too intimidating for you to ever seriously contemplate carrying them out, but good luck anyway.