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Vol 41 Issue 37

Terrell Owens Pre-Emptively Disparages Next Contract

PHILADELPHIA—Eagles wideout Terrell Owens, who recently returned to his team after a training-camp holdout on the second year of his seven-year, $49 million contract, took time Monday to verbally blast the amount, duration, and bonuses of whatever contract he signs next.

Katrina Reporters "Lost It"

American viewers witnessed reporters becoming unusually emotional on camera while reporting on Hurricane Katrina, raising questions about appropriate...

iPod Nano

Apple recently introduced yet another new iPod, a wafer-thin, flash-based unit that marks the fifth product generation for the popular player. What...

Ford Recall

Ford Motor Company recalled 3.8 million pickup trucks and SUVs due to an electrical-system safety issue. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    All your plans that are not impossible are too intimidating for you to ever seriously contemplate carrying them out, but good luck anyway.
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