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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All your plans that are not impossible are too intimidating for you to ever seriously contemplate carrying them out, but good luck anyway.
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