Your Horoscope

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Vol 41 Issue 38

Kate Moss In Trouble

Kate Moss lost her contracts from H&M, Burberry, and Chanel last week when a London tabloid published photos of the supermodel doing cocaine. What do...

Face Transplants

The Cleveland Clinic has begun interviewing candidates for the world's first face transplant. What do you think?

American Teens, French Sex

According to several recent studies, as many as two-thirds of American teens claim to have regular oral sex. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be trapped in a personal lube factory over the weekend, an event made more embarrassing when it's revealed that the place wasn't locked—you were just unable to get a decent grip on the doorknobs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This week, your ongoing efforts to equip your computer with ever-improving access to information will result in bandwidth high enough for you to become the first person to get hit by a bus over the Internet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your first enjoyable night in years will be ruined when police tell the babysitter the calls are coming from inside the house.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be forced to seek new lodgings after changes in local law make parking your house by the city pool illegal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You just thought it was a cool design, but people will soon inform you that the guy on your T-shirt was some Argentinean nutjob named Shea or something.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Cosmic changes in the very fabric of the universe will soon alter the way light is transmitted and perceived, but all you need to know is that blue is the new black.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Venus, the harbinger of love, will enter your sign this week. Unfortunately, so will busload after busload of obnoxious, sightseeing tourists, which kind of ruins the mood.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Small changes can mean a lot, as you'll learn this week when an inadvertently sexy letter from your doctor informs you that you have a rare and deadly form of "colon dancer."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

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