adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be trapped in a personal lube factory over the weekend, an event made more embarrassing when it's revealed that the place wasn't locked—you were just unable to get a decent grip on the doorknobs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, your ongoing efforts to equip your computer with ever-improving access to information will result in bandwidth high enough for you to become the first person to get hit by a bus over the Internet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your first enjoyable night in years will be ruined when police tell the babysitter the calls are coming from inside the house.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to seek new lodgings after changes in local law make parking your house by the city pool illegal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You just thought it was a cool design, but people will soon inform you that the guy on your T-shirt was some Argentinean nutjob named Shea or something.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Cosmic changes in the very fabric of the universe will soon alter the way light is transmitted and perceived, but all you need to know is that blue is the new black.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Venus, the harbinger of love, will enter your sign this week. Unfortunately, so will busload after busload of obnoxious, sightseeing tourists, which kind of ruins the mood.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Small changes can mean a lot, as you'll learn this week when an inadvertently sexy letter from your doctor informs you that you have a rare and deadly form of "colon dancer."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close