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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be trapped in a personal lube factory over the weekend, an event made more embarrassing when it's revealed that the place wasn't locked—you were just unable to get a decent grip on the doorknobs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, your ongoing efforts to equip your computer with ever-improving access to information will result in bandwidth high enough for you to become the first person to get hit by a bus over the Internet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your first enjoyable night in years will be ruined when police tell the babysitter the calls are coming from inside the house.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to seek new lodgings after changes in local law make parking your house by the city pool illegal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You just thought it was a cool design, but people will soon inform you that the guy on your T-shirt was some Argentinean nutjob named Shea or something.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Cosmic changes in the very fabric of the universe will soon alter the way light is transmitted and perceived, but all you need to know is that blue is the new black.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Venus, the harbinger of love, will enter your sign this week. Unfortunately, so will busload after busload of obnoxious, sightseeing tourists, which kind of ruins the mood.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Small changes can mean a lot, as you'll learn this week when an inadvertently sexy letter from your doctor informs you that you have a rare and deadly form of "colon dancer."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20