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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be trapped in a personal lube factory over the weekend, an event made more embarrassing when it's revealed that the place wasn't locked—you were just unable to get a decent grip on the doorknobs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, your ongoing efforts to equip your computer with ever-improving access to information will result in bandwidth high enough for you to become the first person to get hit by a bus over the Internet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your first enjoyable night in years will be ruined when police tell the babysitter the calls are coming from inside the house.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to seek new lodgings after changes in local law make parking your house by the city pool illegal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You just thought it was a cool design, but people will soon inform you that the guy on your T-shirt was some Argentinean nutjob named Shea or something.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Cosmic changes in the very fabric of the universe will soon alter the way light is transmitted and perceived, but all you need to know is that blue is the new black.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Venus, the harbinger of love, will enter your sign this week. Unfortunately, so will busload after busload of obnoxious, sightseeing tourists, which kind of ruins the mood.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Small changes can mean a lot, as you'll learn this week when an inadvertently sexy letter from your doctor informs you that you have a rare and deadly form of "colon dancer."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

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