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Vol 41 Issue 39

IRA Disarmament

The Irish Republican Army, working with an independent international commission, claims to have destroyed all its weapons stockpiles. What do...

Cheney's Aneurysms

Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering after having aneurysms removed from the back of both his knees. What do you think?

Gay Clergyman

The Vatican has announced that it will prevent homosexuals from entering the priesthood. What do you think?

Tom DeLay Steps Down

Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX) was recently indicted on charges of conspiracy in a campaign-financing scheme, and forced to temporarily step down as House...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.
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