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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.

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