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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.


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