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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars do not usually warn mortals of specific outcomes or specific futures, but if you throw away a pair of face cards to try and fill a straight one more time, they're going to come down there and kill you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be swarmed by a rare strain of Americanized killer bees who, unlike their Africanized cousins, just want to hang out and watch TV all day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing of note will happen in the part of the week when you'll still be around.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After three long years, and 18 months before parole, prison sex is just as boring and rote as any other kind.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought the magic lamp looked kind of weird, and you're still sort of wondering what exactly that genie meant when he said you would now be immortal in dog years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The sun and moon themselves will fall madly in love with you and set about vying for your affection by showering you with gifts, so, unfortunately, you'll be killed Thursday afternoon by a dozen roses and a box of chocolates traveling at near-orbital velocity.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You won't be hit by a bus this week, exactly. Circumstances will unfold so that you're traveling at almost 100 miles an hour when you strike a stationary bus.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Do not give up hope for happiness and companionship, for love is very real. However, none of the trite behaviors or quasi-magical aspects you attribute to love actually exist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People are starting to wonder exactly how many times someone has to yell "Get Funky!" at you before you actually take the hint and do so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always known that people are good deep down inside, but it's still a pain to carve away the excess skin and flab to get to the savory parts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your future seems to contain a great amount of fluorescent lighting, a lot of spreadsheets, and a great many people trying to avoid meaningful contact with you; basically, everything you went to college for.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be simultaneously struck by mystical lightning, bathed with otherworldly cosmic rays, and injected with the Apollo Serum, so you'll be a pretty powerful superhero if you ever get out of the coma.

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