Aries | March 21 to April 19
Most people are ignorant, dull, and impulsive, so even at your age, you should be able to find a spouse.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars are becoming a little upset at your constant pestering about the future. Would it kill you to maybe loosen up a little and live for the moment?
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You would in fact leave for Canada right this minute if it didn't mean leaving the only nation on Earth with the vision to teach squirrels to water-ski.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Fad or not, the high-protein, meat-heavy diet thing seems to work for you, but that could be just part of the benefits of being a two-ton Kodiak bear.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your life will become somewhat easier when you learn that money and food are often kept inside of those little cars you see parked here and there with the pizza signs affixed to their roofs.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've known since you were very young that you were different from all the others, but still, you find it maddening that they usually put the naked people where they are very difficult to watch.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've never been afraid to try new things, at least not as such. You're afraid of the special Church-controlled hit squad that finds people trying new things and gives them two behind the ear.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll become a pariah and cast out from the company of decent people when it become clear that nothing will in fact change the way you look at tooth-whitening mouthwash forever.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're the one who knows where all the bodies are buried, but that's only because trucks arrive at all hours and bury bodies in your yard, and the truck drivers always make you sign for them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you should have taken into consideration how remarkably well-clothed, and well-armed, all his bodyguards seem to be.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You always knew you'd be sent straight to Hell when your time came, but you never thought they'd make you go there in a tacky white Hummer limousine.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION