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Vol 41 Issue 41

Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat

A televised conversation between President Bush and American and Iraqi troops that was originally presented as a candid chat turned out to be...

Harriet Miers Nomination

Bush's Supreme Court nomination of Harriet Miers, his longtime associate and current White House counsel, continues to draw criticism. What do...

'Ditka' Chicago Man's Answer To Everything

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Almost 20 years after Mike Ditka led Chicago to their only Super Bowl victory, lifelong Chicago resident Dave Johannes continues to suggest the beloved former Bears coach and current hair-gel and erectile-dysfunction-medicine endorser as the solution to every problem of which he is personally aware.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Most people are ignorant, dull, and impulsive, so even at your age, you should be able to find a spouse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars are becoming a little upset at your constant pestering about the future. Would it kill you to maybe loosen up a little and live for the moment?
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You would in fact leave for Canada right this minute if it didn't mean leaving the only nation on Earth with the vision to teach squirrels to water-ski.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Fad or not, the high-protein, meat-heavy diet thing seems to work for you, but that could be just part of the benefits of being a two-ton Kodiak bear.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your life will become somewhat easier when you learn that money and food are often kept inside of those little cars you see parked here and there with the pizza signs affixed to their roofs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've known since you were very young that you were different from all the others, but still, you find it maddening that they usually put the naked people where they are very difficult to watch.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've never been afraid to try new things, at least not as such. You're afraid of the special Church-controlled hit squad that finds people trying new things and gives them two behind the ear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll become a pariah and cast out from the company of decent people when it become clear that nothing will in fact change the way you look at tooth-whitening mouthwash forever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're the one who knows where all the bodies are buried, but that's only because trucks arrive at all hours and bury bodies in your yard, and the truck drivers always make you sign for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you should have taken into consideration how remarkably well-clothed, and well-armed, all his bodyguards seem to be.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You always knew you'd be sent straight to Hell when your time came, but you never thought they'd make you go there in a tacky white Hummer limousine.
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