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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Most people are ignorant, dull, and impulsive, so even at your age, you should be able to find a spouse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are becoming a little upset at your constant pestering about the future. Would it kill you to maybe loosen up a little and live for the moment?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You would in fact leave for Canada right this minute if it didn't mean leaving the only nation on Earth with the vision to teach squirrels to water-ski.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fad or not, the high-protein, meat-heavy diet thing seems to work for you, but that could be just part of the benefits of being a two-ton Kodiak bear.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life will become somewhat easier when you learn that money and food are often kept inside of those little cars you see parked here and there with the pizza signs affixed to their roofs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've known since you were very young that you were different from all the others, but still, you find it maddening that they usually put the naked people where they are very difficult to watch.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never been afraid to try new things, at least not as such. You're afraid of the special Church-controlled hit squad that finds people trying new things and gives them two behind the ear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll become a pariah and cast out from the company of decent people when it become clear that nothing will in fact change the way you look at tooth-whitening mouthwash forever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're the one who knows where all the bodies are buried, but that's only because trucks arrive at all hours and bury bodies in your yard, and the truck drivers always make you sign for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you should have taken into consideration how remarkably well-clothed, and well-armed, all his bodyguards seem to be.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always knew you'd be sent straight to Hell when your time came, but you never thought they'd make you go there in a tacky white Hummer limousine.

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