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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Most people are ignorant, dull, and impulsive, so even at your age, you should be able to find a spouse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are becoming a little upset at your constant pestering about the future. Would it kill you to maybe loosen up a little and live for the moment?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You would in fact leave for Canada right this minute if it didn't mean leaving the only nation on Earth with the vision to teach squirrels to water-ski.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fad or not, the high-protein, meat-heavy diet thing seems to work for you, but that could be just part of the benefits of being a two-ton Kodiak bear.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life will become somewhat easier when you learn that money and food are often kept inside of those little cars you see parked here and there with the pizza signs affixed to their roofs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've known since you were very young that you were different from all the others, but still, you find it maddening that they usually put the naked people where they are very difficult to watch.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never been afraid to try new things, at least not as such. You're afraid of the special Church-controlled hit squad that finds people trying new things and gives them two behind the ear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll become a pariah and cast out from the company of decent people when it become clear that nothing will in fact change the way you look at tooth-whitening mouthwash forever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're the one who knows where all the bodies are buried, but that's only because trucks arrive at all hours and bury bodies in your yard, and the truck drivers always make you sign for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you should have taken into consideration how remarkably well-clothed, and well-armed, all his bodyguards seem to be.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always knew you'd be sent straight to Hell when your time came, but you never thought they'd make you go there in a tacky white Hummer limousine.


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