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Vol 41 Issue 45

Montana Bison Hunt

The three-month bison-hunting season opens in Montana today, marking the first open season in the state in 15 years. What do you think?

Intelligent Design Ousted

Voters in Dover, PA voted out eight school board members who supported an intelligent-design statement being read in biology class. What do...

Bush To Veto Torture Ban?

The Senate recently approved a ban on torture with a 90-9 vote, but the White House is threatening to veto the bill. What do you think?

U.S. Immigration Fence?

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do...

NFL Midseason Report

With the 2--5-2006 NFL season at its halfway point, we offer this list of highlights from the first nine weeks.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.
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