adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close