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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.


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