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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.
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