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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.
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