Aries | March 21 to April 19
Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION