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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.

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