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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.

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