Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 42 Issue 03

Death With Dignity Upheld

The Supreme Court upheld Oregon's Death With Dignity Act, a law that enables Oregon doctors to help terminally ill patients die. What do you...

Latin America Leaning Left

With the election of Socialist pediatrician Michelle Bachelet in Chile, Latin America is leaning further to the left. What do you think?

Patriots' 2006 Victory Parade Awkward, Sparsely Attended

BOSTON—Poor player attendance, negligible fan turnout, and a marked lack of general enthusiasm marred the New England Patriots' annual season-ending parade through the streets of Boston Monday in what is being regarded as the worst such parade in the last three years.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Energy

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More