adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Streaming

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent declaration of love for women of all shapes and sizes may sound tolerant and open-minded to others, but the stars haven't forgotten that women also come in a variety of ethnicities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite having been hummed hundreds of times before, the old saw "Home is where you hang your hat" will once again seem fresh when Manitoba police investigators catch sight of your cold, lifeless body dangling from the living-room fan.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will finally be able to deal with the reality of your husband's passing this week, after 15 years spent slowly and gleefully savoring it as a fantasy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars hate to have to be the ones to break this news to you, but while it is true that it only takes a single million-dollar idea to strike it rich, your box of paperclips retailing for $1 million is not it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You won't be able to believe your incredible luck this week when the 6-year-old boy you lure down into your basement seems completely oblivious to the age-of-consent laws in the state of Montana.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While your friends always tell you that you are inconsiderate for failing to call women the day after sex, they rarely praise you for how frequently you call the day after phone sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've long boasted that there's never a dull moment in the MidWestern Medco mail room, but that will all change next week when a round of hijinks with the office copier goes horribly awry, generating a stasis field that envelops the entire third floor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Thomas Edison famously described success as 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which leaves you 1 percent away from succeeding in getting off the couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are shattered and your head is broken loose.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    As the proud father of four healthy sons and one beautiful daughter, you will feel like the richest man in the world next week, after selling each for a hefty sum on the Bolivian black market.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you've never had any particular interest in rodents—aquatic or otherwise—you'll soon become an expert in all of the many different ways that Canadian ditch muskrats defend themselves.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close