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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent declaration of love for women of all shapes and sizes may sound tolerant and open-minded to others, but the stars haven't forgotten that women also come in a variety of ethnicities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite having been hummed hundreds of times before, the old saw "Home is where you hang your hat" will once again seem fresh when Manitoba police investigators catch sight of your cold, lifeless body dangling from the living-room fan.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will finally be able to deal with the reality of your husband's passing this week, after 15 years spent slowly and gleefully savoring it as a fantasy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars hate to have to be the ones to break this news to you, but while it is true that it only takes a single million-dollar idea to strike it rich, your box of paperclips retailing for $1 million is not it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You won't be able to believe your incredible luck this week when the 6-year-old boy you lure down into your basement seems completely oblivious to the age-of-consent laws in the state of Montana.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While your friends always tell you that you are inconsiderate for failing to call women the day after sex, they rarely praise you for how frequently you call the day after phone sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've long boasted that there's never a dull moment in the MidWestern Medco mail room, but that will all change next week when a round of hijinks with the office copier goes horribly awry, generating a stasis field that envelops the entire third floor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Thomas Edison famously described success as 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which leaves you 1 percent away from succeeding in getting off the couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are shattered and your head is broken loose.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    As the proud father of four healthy sons and one beautiful daughter, you will feel like the richest man in the world next week, after selling each for a hefty sum on the Bolivian black market.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you've never had any particular interest in rodents—aquatic or otherwise—you'll soon become an expert in all of the many different ways that Canadian ditch muskrats defend themselves.