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Vol 42 Issue 09

Japanese Cars On Top

Every automobile in Consumer Reports’ list of the top 10 cars in the U.S. is Japanese-made. What do you think?

Bush Knew About Katrina

In spite of his assertions to the contrary, reports say that Bush was informed of the worst-case scenario surrounding Hurricane Katrina, and was even...

Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor

The Sex Pistols are refusing to play at the ceremony during which they will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do you...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Libra

    Libra

    During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
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