adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close