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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
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