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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Time itself will seem to slow down next week when a crazed sniper takes to the top of a nearby clock tower whose minute hand is badly in need of being oiled.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult some tea leaves again, the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your perfectionism will get the best of you this week when you attempt to draw a geometrically correct circle freehand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Like the bonsai tree, you require special attention and care. Also like the bonsai tree, you are far, almost freakishly, below normal size.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The emergency-room doctor said you'd never walk again, but he'll change his mind when he sees you drag your lifeless bottom half back from your car, hunting knife firmly between your teeth.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many months of aggravation, your squad will celebrate a rare victory this week in Iraq, after utterly and completely defeating its purpose.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When taking the SATs this year, remember: Preparation is key. Start practicing early by shading in tiny rectangular boxes with a No. 2 pencil.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be humiliated after a club DJ urges those dancing to get funky, only to give a more detailed definition of what he means by "funky"after spotting you in the crowd, when he realizes it would be easier to explain what "funky" is not.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be honored this week in a gala ceremony, during which the award's presenter describes you as the "Lenny Bruce of breakfast cereal manufacturers," claiming that without the "courageous path you helped pave," there could never have been a Cookie Crisp.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've heard the old joke about everyone in prison being innocent many times before, but this week will mark the first time you hear it told by a team of DNA experts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.


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