Aries | March 21 to April 19
The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your 6-year-old daughter will forever be traumatized this week after she accidentally walks in on you and your wife having snacks.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION