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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your 6-year-old daughter will forever be traumatized this week after she accidentally walks in on you and your wife having snacks.

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