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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your 6-year-old daughter will forever be traumatized this week after she accidentally walks in on you and your wife having snacks.

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