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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your 6-year-old daughter will forever be traumatized this week after she accidentally walks in on you and your wife having snacks.

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