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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In a freaky incident, you and your 16-year-old daughter will magically swap bodies this Friday, leaving you with a better understanding of the pressures of being a teenager, and your daughter with an unwanted pregnancy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite not giving them any say in the matter, you will enter into a murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide pact with your bank hostages this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Geminis.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will come under repeated attacks when a new organization, Drunk Drivers Against Mothers, takes to the street and parts of the sidewalk this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For the fourth straight week, the line between your room's ashtray and the rest of your room will grow less distinct.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Life takes a turn for the worse this week when you're checked into the burn unit of a nearby hospital, instantly becoming the target of jealous and vindictive attacks from the ward's only other hydrochloric acid victim in the process.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism that has the effect of rendering facial expressions difficult to read, there's no way anyone could've made sense of that emoticon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence, especially after the abortion is performed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. hoped for a world where African Americans would be judged not on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character. Either way, you'll always have a reason to hate Jimmie "J.J." Walker.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things in life you simply can't stress enough. It's too bad you keep putting it on the wrong syllables, though.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it's normal to harbor some resentment after a long and drawn-out divorce, the stars are still of the opinion that your latest roller-coaster-ride design is really petty.

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