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Vol 42 Issue 12

Scholarships Going To Whites

Colleges are now considering white students for fellowships and scholarships that were previously available only to minorities. What do you...

Microsoft Vista Delayed

Microsoft Vista, the first major overhaul of the Windows operating system in five years, has been delayed until the beginning of next year. What do...

Reactors Contaminate Groundwater

Two nuclear reactors, Indian Point near New York and the Braidwood facility near Chicago, have released radioactive tritium into the groundwater....
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    In a freaky incident, you and your 16-year-old daughter will magically swap bodies this Friday, leaving you with a better understanding of the pressures of being a teenager, and your daughter with an unwanted pregnancy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Despite not giving them any say in the matter, you will enter into a murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide pact with your bank hostages this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Geminis.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will come under repeated attacks when a new organization, Drunk Drivers Against Mothers, takes to the street and parts of the sidewalk this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    For the fourth straight week, the line between your room's ashtray and the rest of your room will grow less distinct.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Life takes a turn for the worse this week when you're checked into the burn unit of a nearby hospital, instantly becoming the target of jealous and vindictive attacks from the ward's only other hydrochloric acid victim in the process.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While you may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism that has the effect of rendering facial expressions difficult to read, there's no way anyone could've made sense of that emoticon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence, especially after the abortion is performed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. hoped for a world where African Americans would be judged not on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character. Either way, you'll always have a reason to hate Jimmie "J.J." Walker.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There are some things in life you simply can't stress enough. It's too bad you keep putting it on the wrong syllables, though.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While it's normal to harbor some resentment after a long and drawn-out divorce, the stars are still of the opinion that your latest roller-coaster-ride design is really petty.
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