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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In a freaky incident, you and your 16-year-old daughter will magically swap bodies this Friday, leaving you with a better understanding of the pressures of being a teenager, and your daughter with an unwanted pregnancy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite not giving them any say in the matter, you will enter into a murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide pact with your bank hostages this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Geminis.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will come under repeated attacks when a new organization, Drunk Drivers Against Mothers, takes to the street and parts of the sidewalk this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For the fourth straight week, the line between your room's ashtray and the rest of your room will grow less distinct.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Life takes a turn for the worse this week when you're checked into the burn unit of a nearby hospital, instantly becoming the target of jealous and vindictive attacks from the ward's only other hydrochloric acid victim in the process.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism that has the effect of rendering facial expressions difficult to read, there's no way anyone could've made sense of that emoticon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence, especially after the abortion is performed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. hoped for a world where African Americans would be judged not on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character. Either way, you'll always have a reason to hate Jimmie "J.J." Walker.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things in life you simply can't stress enough. It's too bad you keep putting it on the wrong syllables, though.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it's normal to harbor some resentment after a long and drawn-out divorce, the stars are still of the opinion that your latest roller-coaster-ride design is really petty.

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