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Vol 42 Issue 13

Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you...

Abramoff Gets 70 Months

Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've long seen yourself as a cog in a larger machine, but that will change next week when a cheaper cog from Mexico is shipped in to reduce the cost of packing frozen breakfast sausages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Nobody said the farming life was going to be easy, but you still never imagined it would require waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to file for 11 different government subsidies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will soon realize that just because you're firmly against capital punishment for developmentally disabled persons doesn't mean you can't find the concept of it inherently funny.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Using the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words," your art professor will ask for a thousand-word drawing of a fruit basket this week, but you won't start it until the night before it's due, resulting in a rushed drawing padded with vegetables and even legumes.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will break longstanding racial stereotypes in your town this week, earning your fellow Mexican neighbors an even worse reputation than before: trying to foster social change through public nudity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The ravages of age will begin to interfere with your work this week, when your rapidly worsening vision produces paparazzi photo after paparazzi photo of people who look like Matt Damon.
  • Libra

    Libra

    An 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the "Choose Your Own Adventure" book you're reading.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You see the world through rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, they're not prescription rose-colored glasses, which helps explains why you love the world for all of its unpredictable walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    While pleased with the progress you've been making in your anger-management course, you will suffer a tremendous setback this week after realizing it's actually a basket-weaving class you've been attending all this time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It will become obvious over the next several weeks that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while clearing out the attic, every month counts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Years of living vicariously through your brother will come to an end this week when you die vicariously through him.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    If there's one thing you'll take away from this week's funeral, it's that baby caskets, because of their almost miniature size, are possibly the most adorable things on earth.
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