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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've long seen yourself as a cog in a larger machine, but that will change next week when a cheaper cog from Mexico is shipped in to reduce the cost of packing frozen breakfast sausages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody said the farming life was going to be easy, but you still never imagined it would require waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to file for 11 different government subsidies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon realize that just because you're firmly against capital punishment for developmentally disabled persons doesn't mean you can't find the concept of it inherently funny.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Using the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words," your art professor will ask for a thousand-word drawing of a fruit basket this week, but you won't start it until the night before it's due, resulting in a rushed drawing padded with vegetables and even legumes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will break longstanding racial stereotypes in your town this week, earning your fellow Mexican neighbors an even worse reputation than before: trying to foster social change through public nudity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The ravages of age will begin to interfere with your work this week, when your rapidly worsening vision produces paparazzi photo after paparazzi photo of people who look like Matt Damon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the "Choose Your Own Adventure" book you're reading.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You see the world through rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, they're not prescription rose-colored glasses, which helps explains why you love the world for all of its unpredictable walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While pleased with the progress you've been making in your anger-management course, you will suffer a tremendous setback this week after realizing it's actually a basket-weaving class you've been attending all this time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will become obvious over the next several weeks that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while clearing out the attic, every month counts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Years of living vicariously through your brother will come to an end this week when you die vicariously through him.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If there's one thing you'll take away from this week's funeral, it's that baby caskets, because of their almost miniature size, are possibly the most adorable things on earth.

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