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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've long seen yourself as a cog in a larger machine, but that will change next week when a cheaper cog from Mexico is shipped in to reduce the cost of packing frozen breakfast sausages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody said the farming life was going to be easy, but you still never imagined it would require waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to file for 11 different government subsidies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon realize that just because you're firmly against capital punishment for developmentally disabled persons doesn't mean you can't find the concept of it inherently funny.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Using the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words," your art professor will ask for a thousand-word drawing of a fruit basket this week, but you won't start it until the night before it's due, resulting in a rushed drawing padded with vegetables and even legumes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will break longstanding racial stereotypes in your town this week, earning your fellow Mexican neighbors an even worse reputation than before: trying to foster social change through public nudity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The ravages of age will begin to interfere with your work this week, when your rapidly worsening vision produces paparazzi photo after paparazzi photo of people who look like Matt Damon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the "Choose Your Own Adventure" book you're reading.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You see the world through rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, they're not prescription rose-colored glasses, which helps explains why you love the world for all of its unpredictable walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While pleased with the progress you've been making in your anger-management course, you will suffer a tremendous setback this week after realizing it's actually a basket-weaving class you've been attending all this time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will become obvious over the next several weeks that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while clearing out the attic, every month counts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Years of living vicariously through your brother will come to an end this week when you die vicariously through him.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If there's one thing you'll take away from this week's funeral, it's that baby caskets, because of their almost miniature size, are possibly the most adorable things on earth.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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