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Vol 42 Issue 14

First 9/11 Film Coming

United 93, a film about the hijacked United flight that crashed in a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, 2001, will make its debut at the Tribeca...

First Brazilian In Space

Lt. Col. Marcos Pontes, the first Brazilian astronaut, is due to return from his brief mission tomorrow. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, as cardiologists will point out, the diminishing presence of blood flow in your right ventricle is having an entirely different effect.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although everyone at the wedding will laugh when an elderly guest catches the bride's bouquet, the incident will seem even funnier moments later after the realization of just how unthinkable the old woman is as a potential mate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."
  • Leo

    Leo

    When Mozart stood before the piano, he was said to have seen not a series of black and white keys, but rather an entire symphony. Something similar can be said for you and unconscious women.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.
  • Libra

    Libra

    One of the greatest archeological discoveries in decades will be yours this week after you uncover the disturbingly-well preserved remains of an ancient Roman vomitorium.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There's no good way to deliver next week's news, except possibly in Sanskrit. Unfortunately there's no word in the archaic language for "hemorrhage."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will come down with a bout of food poisoning so prolonged and painful you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Although, considering how you contracted it, you'd have every right to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor next week after your car crash into a school bus of children is described as a "scathing satire of society's reckless driving."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Despite countless compliments over the years, you'll be confused this week as to how to interpret a television critic's review that describes you as "the over-thinking man's Greg Kinnear."
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