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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, as cardiologists will point out, the diminishing presence of blood flow in your right ventricle is having an entirely different effect.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although everyone at the wedding will laugh when an elderly guest catches the bride's bouquet, the incident will seem even funnier moments later after the realization of just how unthinkable the old woman is as a potential mate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When Mozart stood before the piano, he was said to have seen not a series of black and white keys, but rather an entire symphony. Something similar can be said for you and unconscious women.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    One of the greatest archeological discoveries in decades will be yours this week after you uncover the disturbingly-well preserved remains of an ancient Roman vomitorium.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's no good way to deliver next week's news, except possibly in Sanskrit. Unfortunately there's no word in the archaic language for "hemorrhage."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come down with a bout of food poisoning so prolonged and painful you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Although, considering how you contracted it, you'd have every right to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor next week after your car crash into a school bus of children is described as a "scathing satire of society's reckless driving."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite countless compliments over the years, you'll be confused this week as to how to interpret a television critic's review that describes you as "the over-thinking man's Greg Kinnear."


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