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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, as cardiologists will point out, the diminishing presence of blood flow in your right ventricle is having an entirely different effect.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although everyone at the wedding will laugh when an elderly guest catches the bride's bouquet, the incident will seem even funnier moments later after the realization of just how unthinkable the old woman is as a potential mate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When Mozart stood before the piano, he was said to have seen not a series of black and white keys, but rather an entire symphony. Something similar can be said for you and unconscious women.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    One of the greatest archeological discoveries in decades will be yours this week after you uncover the disturbingly-well preserved remains of an ancient Roman vomitorium.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's no good way to deliver next week's news, except possibly in Sanskrit. Unfortunately there's no word in the archaic language for "hemorrhage."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come down with a bout of food poisoning so prolonged and painful you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Although, considering how you contracted it, you'd have every right to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor next week after your car crash into a school bus of children is described as a "scathing satire of society's reckless driving."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite countless compliments over the years, you'll be confused this week as to how to interpret a television critic's review that describes you as "the over-thinking man's Greg Kinnear."

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