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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that  women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.  
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated  when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a  hand for being such a fantastic audience.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.


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