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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that  women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.  
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated  when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a  hand for being such a fantastic audience.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.

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