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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that  women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.  
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated  when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a  hand for being such a fantastic audience.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.