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Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that  women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.  
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated  when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a  hand for being such a fantastic audience.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.

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