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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The penalty for soliciting a prostitute is a night in jail and a $400 fine. Unfortunately, you'll have a hard time convincing police that the one in your car was already dead when you picked her up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the third straight evening, your wife and children will suffer the brunt of your frustrations when you bring your lack of work home with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Months of horror and dread lie ahead after your town unwittingly builds a new sewage system beneath an ancient Indian burial ground.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    With spring in full swing, you'd love nothing more than for the harrowing trail of clues to lead to a nice, quiet park bench for an hour or so before ultimately taking you to the "Forest Hills Slasher."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally admit to an obsession with celebrities after hours spent online searching for photos of a Hollywood couple and their day-old miscarriage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've experienced a number of failed business ventures in the past, but this new line of electric wheelchairs "built for tetraplegics, by tetraplegics" will put the rest in perspective.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You realize the new pastor's style is as frank as it is popular, but you still don't think it was right for him to call your morals "as loose as Paris Hilton's pussy after a visit to the telephone-pole factory" in front of the whole congregation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A gunslinger will come to town and promise on his mother's grave to put you in a box in the ground, but he will turn out to be the colorful, well-armed architect you hired to build your subterranean mansion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've made it through the entire winter without once getting the flu, but don't beat yourself up too hard over having wasted precious time and money on that damn flu shot.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Directing your infant son during feedings to "open up big for the choo-choo train" could easily be seen as playful if it weren't followed by the order to "quick: dispose of those filthy Jews."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're beginning to think this whole "taking a long, hard look in the mirror" approach to cleaning up your life is actually hurting your chances of giving up cocaine.

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