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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The penalty for soliciting a prostitute is a night in jail and a $400 fine. Unfortunately, you'll have a hard time convincing police that the one in your car was already dead when you picked her up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the third straight evening, your wife and children will suffer the brunt of your frustrations when you bring your lack of work home with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Months of horror and dread lie ahead after your town unwittingly builds a new sewage system beneath an ancient Indian burial ground.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    With spring in full swing, you'd love nothing more than for the harrowing trail of clues to lead to a nice, quiet park bench for an hour or so before ultimately taking you to the "Forest Hills Slasher."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally admit to an obsession with celebrities after hours spent online searching for photos of a Hollywood couple and their day-old miscarriage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've experienced a number of failed business ventures in the past, but this new line of electric wheelchairs "built for tetraplegics, by tetraplegics" will put the rest in perspective.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You realize the new pastor's style is as frank as it is popular, but you still don't think it was right for him to call your morals "as loose as Paris Hilton's pussy after a visit to the telephone-pole factory" in front of the whole congregation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A gunslinger will come to town and promise on his mother's grave to put you in a box in the ground, but he will turn out to be the colorful, well-armed architect you hired to build your subterranean mansion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've made it through the entire winter without once getting the flu, but don't beat yourself up too hard over having wasted precious time and money on that damn flu shot.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Directing your infant son during feedings to "open up big for the choo-choo train" could easily be seen as playful if it weren't followed by the order to "quick: dispose of those filthy Jews."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're beginning to think this whole "taking a long, hard look in the mirror" approach to cleaning up your life is actually hurting your chances of giving up cocaine.

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