Aries | March 21 to April 19
You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While it's true that from the mouths of babes come pearls of wisdom, you'll nonetheless continue to touch yours inappropriately despite his incisive pleas
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Almost an entire decade after your short-term memory first began to fail you, you will wonder aloud where your 70s went this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Terror and panic will overwhelm you when a police officer reveals that the disturbing text messages you've been receiving are coming from inside the house.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're not the type of person who easily believes racist conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There's a lot you can learn from your personal failures, the most important lesson being that no matter what you attempt, or how much effort you put forth, you will never succeed.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will endure extreme physical pain and suffering at the hands of a vicious mixed-martial-arts fighter after stepping into what you believe to be a heptagon.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Some women have the tendency to surround themselves with heftier friends to appear thinner, which explains your propensity for surrounding yourself with friends who look even more like Nick Nolte.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.
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