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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While it's true that from the mouths of babes come pearls of wisdom, you'll nonetheless continue to touch yours inappropriately despite his incisive pleas
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Almost an entire decade after your short-term memory first began to fail you, you will wonder aloud where your 70s went this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Terror and panic will overwhelm you when a police officer reveals that the disturbing text messages you've been receiving are coming from inside the house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not the type of person who easily believes racist conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's a lot you can learn from your personal failures, the most important lesson being that no matter what you attempt, or how much effort you put forth, you will never succeed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will endure extreme physical pain and suffering at the hands of a vicious mixed-martial-arts fighter after stepping into what you believe to be a heptagon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Some women have the tendency to surround themselves with heftier friends to appear thinner, which explains your propensity for surrounding yourself with friends who look even more like Nick Nolte.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.

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