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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While it's true that from the mouths of babes come pearls of wisdom, you'll nonetheless continue to touch yours inappropriately despite his incisive pleas
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Almost an entire decade after your short-term memory first began to fail you, you will wonder aloud where your 70s went this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Terror and panic will overwhelm you when a police officer reveals that the disturbing text messages you've been receiving are coming from inside the house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not the type of person who easily believes racist conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's a lot you can learn from your personal failures, the most important lesson being that no matter what you attempt, or how much effort you put forth, you will never succeed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will endure extreme physical pain and suffering at the hands of a vicious mixed-martial-arts fighter after stepping into what you believe to be a heptagon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Some women have the tendency to surround themselves with heftier friends to appear thinner, which explains your propensity for surrounding yourself with friends who look even more like Nick Nolte.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.