Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The position of the stars, phase of the moon, and orbital paths of the planets will have absolutely no bearing on your life this week. Enjoy the freedom of being in complete control of your actions while it lasts.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There are two sides to every story; unfortunately, no publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's Sons And Lovers.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While others have overlooked the brilliance of your fanfiction, they won't be able to ignore the upcoming 60 Minutes/60 Minutes II crossover you have planned.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A long nature hike through the peaks and valleys of a national park's black-bear preserve will drastically enhance your appreciation of urban centers this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will deliver the most perfect little miscarriage in the whole wide world this week, although others will fail to see what's so special about it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Although Marlowe, Nick Carraway, and John Dowell are all fascinating men, more and more you find yourself wanting to be introduced to a narrator you can trust.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION