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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The position of the stars, phase of the moon, and orbital paths of the planets will have absolutely no bearing on your life this week. Enjoy the freedom of being in complete control of your actions while it lasts.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are two sides to every story; unfortunately, no publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's Sons And Lovers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While others have overlooked the brilliance of your fanfiction, they won't be able to ignore the upcoming 60 Minutes/60 Minutes II crossover you have planned.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A long nature hike through the peaks and valleys of a national park's black-bear preserve will drastically enhance your appreciation of urban centers this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will deliver the most perfect little miscarriage in the whole wide world this week, although others will fail to see what's so special about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although Marlowe, Nick Carraway, and John Dowell are all fascinating men, more and more you find yourself wanting to be introduced to a narrator you can trust.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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