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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The position of the stars, phase of the moon, and orbital paths of the planets will have absolutely no bearing on your life this week. Enjoy the freedom of being in complete control of your actions while it lasts.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are two sides to every story; unfortunately, no publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's Sons And Lovers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While others have overlooked the brilliance of your fanfiction, they won't be able to ignore the upcoming 60 Minutes/60 Minutes II crossover you have planned.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A long nature hike through the peaks and valleys of a national park's black-bear preserve will drastically enhance your appreciation of urban centers this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will deliver the most perfect little miscarriage in the whole wide world this week, although others will fail to see what's so special about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although Marlowe, Nick Carraway, and John Dowell are all fascinating men, more and more you find yourself wanting to be introduced to a narrator you can trust.