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Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will struggle next week to take pleasure in the little things in life, particularly the flagellated protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia, which will manifest itself in your gastrointestinal tract and inflict agonizing abdominal pain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will feel very much like a fish out of water this week when your limbs are sadistically bound with rope and you are dropped off the bow of an ocean liner into the Pacific.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After the murder of her husband, the kidnapping and subsequent drowning of her three children, and rape of her elderly mother behind a strip mall on the edge of town, you will have to hand it to your accuser for having one hell of a memory.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While the countless differences between newborns and orange-juice cartons are clear, you will miss the most important distinction of all as you vigorously shake your two-month-old to death.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An argument this week over the maximum weight capacity of your building's elevator will come to an abrupt end just moments after it began, essentially nullifying any well-thought-out arguments you may have had in the matter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that they don't quite make them like they used to, but that's largely your fault for continuing to force them to procreate in your dilapidated backyard shed despite the growing risk of embryonic infection.

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