adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will struggle next week to take pleasure in the little things in life, particularly the flagellated protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia, which will manifest itself in your gastrointestinal tract and inflict agonizing abdominal pain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will feel very much like a fish out of water this week when your limbs are sadistically bound with rope and you are dropped off the bow of an ocean liner into the Pacific.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After the murder of her husband, the kidnapping and subsequent drowning of her three children, and rape of her elderly mother behind a strip mall on the edge of town, you will have to hand it to your accuser for having one hell of a memory.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While the countless differences between newborns and orange-juice cartons are clear, you will miss the most important distinction of all as you vigorously shake your two-month-old to death.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An argument this week over the maximum weight capacity of your building's elevator will come to an abrupt end just moments after it began, essentially nullifying any well-thought-out arguments you may have had in the matter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that they don't quite make them like they used to, but that's largely your fault for continuing to force them to procreate in your dilapidated backyard shed despite the growing risk of embryonic infection.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close