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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Give a man a compliment and you'll sate him for a day; teach a man how to fish for compliments and you'll feed his ego for life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While one man's trash may be another man's treasure, there's really no reason why you should be wearing that dead kitten as a crown.

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