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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Give a man a compliment and you'll sate him for a day; teach a man how to fish for compliments and you'll feed his ego for life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While one man's trash may be another man's treasure, there's really no reason why you should be wearing that dead kitten as a crown.

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