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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've often said you'd kill for a good piece of cheesecake, but the sad truth is you're not prepared to go beyond savagely raping and mutilating someone with a rusty bayonet for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No mother should ever have to bury her own child. Sadly, with the little monster shrieking for help and threatening to run off to the police, what choice do you really have?
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempts to give up smoking will cease when a new study released in The Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that a single cigarette could take as much as five minutes off your workday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While the old rule of thumb that one dog year is equal to seven human years may sound a bit absurd, it does help explain how your Irish Terrier is able to get so much accomplished.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your husband has often teased you for believing that you were a blade of grass in a past life, but you'll have the last laugh next week when he accidentally runs you over with the lawn mower.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted, despite the nearly certain outcome, to a giant flame this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've long believed courage to be what separates the men from the boys, when, in fact, it will prove to be the three undercover government agents who raid your basement next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're prepared to go to any length to get your missing wife back—which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The "Kick Me" sign so often taped to your back during your childhood and adolescent years will magically transform this week into something that is just simply implied.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally stop referring to the nation's Midwest as the  "fly-over states" this week during a tragic airplane ride from New York to Los Angeles.