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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've often said you'd kill for a good piece of cheesecake, but the sad truth is you're not prepared to go beyond savagely raping and mutilating someone with a rusty bayonet for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No mother should ever have to bury her own child. Sadly, with the little monster shrieking for help and threatening to run off to the police, what choice do you really have?
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempts to give up smoking will cease when a new study released in The Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that a single cigarette could take as much as five minutes off your workday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While the old rule of thumb that one dog year is equal to seven human years may sound a bit absurd, it does help explain how your Irish Terrier is able to get so much accomplished.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your husband has often teased you for believing that you were a blade of grass in a past life, but you'll have the last laugh next week when he accidentally runs you over with the lawn mower.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted, despite the nearly certain outcome, to a giant flame this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've long believed courage to be what separates the men from the boys, when, in fact, it will prove to be the three undercover government agents who raid your basement next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're prepared to go to any length to get your missing wife back—which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The "Kick Me" sign so often taped to your back during your childhood and adolescent years will magically transform this week into something that is just simply implied.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally stop referring to the nation's Midwest as the  "fly-over states" this week during a tragic airplane ride from New York to Los Angeles.
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