Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 42 Issue 22

DHS Cuts New York Defense

The City of New York is up in arms after its Homeland-Security budget was slashed nearly in half. What do you think?

Avoiding The Anti-Christ

A pregnant woman in England is trying to get her hospital to induce labor so the baby will not be born on 6/6/06. What do you think?

May 29, 1993

Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation On Rush Limbaugh Radio Show

M.I.A. Denied Visa

British rapper M.I.A. was denied a visa to the U.S., purportedly for her support of the Sri Lankan terrorist organization the Tamil Tigers. What do...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've often said you'd kill for a good piece of cheesecake, but the sad truth is you're not prepared to go beyond savagely raping and mutilating someone with a rusty bayonet for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    No mother should ever have to bury her own child. Sadly, with the little monster shrieking for help and threatening to run off to the police, what choice do you really have?
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your attempts to give up smoking will cease when a new study released in The Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that a single cigarette could take as much as five minutes off your workday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While the old rule of thumb that one dog year is equal to seven human years may sound a bit absurd, it does help explain how your Irish Terrier is able to get so much accomplished.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your husband has often teased you for believing that you were a blade of grass in a past life, but you'll have the last laugh next week when he accidentally runs you over with the lawn mower.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted, despite the nearly certain outcome, to a giant flame this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've long believed courage to be what separates the men from the boys, when, in fact, it will prove to be the three undercover government agents who raid your basement next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're prepared to go to any length to get your missing wife back—which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The "Kick Me" sign so often taped to your back during your childhood and adolescent years will magically transform this week into something that is just simply implied.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will finally stop referring to the nation's Midwest as the  "fly-over states" this week during a tragic airplane ride from New York to Los Angeles.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More