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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite hours of stunned silence, rabid denial, and heartrending self-deception next Thursday, your stillborn will be still dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of preparation and anticipation, your plan to escape from the psychiatric hospital will fail for very predictable reasons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Broad, sweeping generalizations are often ignorant and easily disproved, which is why you wish Mexicans would stop making them all the time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Appalled by social norms and dominant values, you will take a bold one-night stand against monogamy this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nobody said it was going to be easy, or even that it was going to be worthwhile, sensible, or in any way tasteful—actually, people pretty much avoided talking to you after hearing of your plans to build an electric high-chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars understand that you're upset at them and everything, but it's really not fair to condemn the whole lot just because one of its members gave you skin cancer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's only so much you can do to guarantee success, unless of course you're finally prepared to sacrifice your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.