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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite hours of stunned silence, rabid denial, and heartrending self-deception next Thursday, your stillborn will be still dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of preparation and anticipation, your plan to escape from the psychiatric hospital will fail for very predictable reasons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Broad, sweeping generalizations are often ignorant and easily disproved, which is why you wish Mexicans would stop making them all the time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Appalled by social norms and dominant values, you will take a bold one-night stand against monogamy this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nobody said it was going to be easy, or even that it was going to be worthwhile, sensible, or in any way tasteful—actually, people pretty much avoided talking to you after hearing of your plans to build an electric high-chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars understand that you're upset at them and everything, but it's really not fair to condemn the whole lot just because one of its members gave you skin cancer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's only so much you can do to guarantee success, unless of course you're finally prepared to sacrifice your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.

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