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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite hours of stunned silence, rabid denial, and heartrending self-deception next Thursday, your stillborn will be still dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of preparation and anticipation, your plan to escape from the psychiatric hospital will fail for very predictable reasons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Broad, sweeping generalizations are often ignorant and easily disproved, which is why you wish Mexicans would stop making them all the time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Appalled by social norms and dominant values, you will take a bold one-night stand against monogamy this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nobody said it was going to be easy, or even that it was going to be worthwhile, sensible, or in any way tasteful—actually, people pretty much avoided talking to you after hearing of your plans to build an electric high-chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars understand that you're upset at them and everything, but it's really not fair to condemn the whole lot just because one of its members gave you skin cancer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's only so much you can do to guarantee success, unless of course you're finally prepared to sacrifice your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.