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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite hours of stunned silence, rabid denial, and heartrending self-deception next Thursday, your stillborn will be still dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of preparation and anticipation, your plan to escape from the psychiatric hospital will fail for very predictable reasons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Broad, sweeping generalizations are often ignorant and easily disproved, which is why you wish Mexicans would stop making them all the time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Appalled by social norms and dominant values, you will take a bold one-night stand against monogamy this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nobody said it was going to be easy, or even that it was going to be worthwhile, sensible, or in any way tasteful—actually, people pretty much avoided talking to you after hearing of your plans to build an electric high-chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars understand that you're upset at them and everything, but it's really not fair to condemn the whole lot just because one of its members gave you skin cancer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's only so much you can do to guarantee success, unless of course you're finally prepared to sacrifice your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.

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