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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Approaching police sirens combined with your naturally paranoid tendencies will significantly alter the stuffing of tonight's honeysuckle white turkey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing short of a propane blowtorch, a full-face respirator, an ample supply of drinking water, and a HAZMAT suit will adequately prepare you for next week's parent–teacher conference.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After much analysis and numerous readings you will come to realize that Lord Alfred Tennyson's The Lady Of Shalott is actually a metaphor for the poet's complete lack of straightforwardness.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the hours you spend each week writing and rewriting dozens of trivia questions, the least those contestants could do is wait until you're done reading them before buzzing in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During a time of great distress you will be strangely comforted by the thought that somewhere in the world, at that very moment, writer–actor Michael Ian Black is stuck having a discussion about Slinkies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will stumble upon an incredible found-art object this week moments after Rembrandt's "Portrait Of Nicolas Ruts" is mistakenly thrown out in a nearby dumpster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be charged with obstruction of justice this week after adding a giant bowler hat to your police sketch of the missing culprit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye—not an arm, half a right leg, a lower jaw, several organs, five pints of blood, and the complete control of his central nervous system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will join hundreds of other Americans in protest outside the White House next week after President Bush announces plans to send only 2,000 improv troupes to fight in Iraq.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A heated and extremely graphic argument with your wife about the effects of erectile dysfunction on your marriage will traumatize roughly 128 schoolchildren at the Grand Canyon next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose.
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