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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Approaching police sirens combined with your naturally paranoid tendencies will significantly alter the stuffing of tonight's honeysuckle white turkey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing short of a propane blowtorch, a full-face respirator, an ample supply of drinking water, and a HAZMAT suit will adequately prepare you for next week's parent–teacher conference.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After much analysis and numerous readings you will come to realize that Lord Alfred Tennyson's The Lady Of Shalott is actually a metaphor for the poet's complete lack of straightforwardness.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the hours you spend each week writing and rewriting dozens of trivia questions, the least those contestants could do is wait until you're done reading them before buzzing in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During a time of great distress you will be strangely comforted by the thought that somewhere in the world, at that very moment, writer–actor Michael Ian Black is stuck having a discussion about Slinkies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will stumble upon an incredible found-art object this week moments after Rembrandt's "Portrait Of Nicolas Ruts" is mistakenly thrown out in a nearby dumpster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be charged with obstruction of justice this week after adding a giant bowler hat to your police sketch of the missing culprit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye—not an arm, half a right leg, a lower jaw, several organs, five pints of blood, and the complete control of his central nervous system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will join hundreds of other Americans in protest outside the White House next week after President Bush announces plans to send only 2,000 improv troupes to fight in Iraq.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A heated and extremely graphic argument with your wife about the effects of erectile dysfunction on your marriage will traumatize roughly 128 schoolchildren at the Grand Canyon next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose.

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