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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.

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