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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.


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