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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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