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Vol 42 Issue 26

Global Warming Irreversible

According to the journal Science, the human influence on the Earth's climate will be irreversible within the next 100 years. What do...

July 4, 1937

Amelia Earhart Missing; Famed Aviatrix 'Probably Just Shopping,' Search Teams Say
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Many believe there to be no greater shame than profiting from the misfortunes of others, but they'll soon change their minds after watching you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to do so.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will have difficulty putting this Thursday's disturbingly violent scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A series of wrong turns combined with a stubborn resistance to ask for directions will cause you, 12 other men, and a giant gay-pride-parade float to enter a not-so-tolerant part of town.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your extremely unlucky, almost certainly tragic numbers for this week are 7, 3, and 2006.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Although you know it's only a matter of setting boundaries and better managing your time, you will nonetheless continue to struggle to separate your work life from your second work life.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Following your mother's uplifting open-casket funeral, you will regret following your instinct to keep the momentum going by having an open-casket burial.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've often been called impolite in the past, but would an impolite person volunteer a seat on his face to pregnant women, the elderly, and physically disabled individuals?
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Years of treasured recollections dating all the way back to your childhood will be lost forever when a four-story fall exposes your photographic memory to daylight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they'll get a little better for about a day or two before reverting back to being equally as bad as they were when you thought they couldn't get worse. A week after that, though—bam!—you'll be proven wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After careful deliberation and a thorough search of their surroundings, crime-scene investigators will finally determine the probable rent of your apartment next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A loud, inconsiderate group of pickup trucks will roll in 15 minutes late and ruin yet another drive-in movie for you this weekend.
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