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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Many believe there to be no greater shame than profiting from the misfortunes of others, but they'll soon change their minds after watching you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to do so.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have difficulty putting this Thursday's disturbingly violent scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A series of wrong turns combined with a stubborn resistance to ask for directions will cause you, 12 other men, and a giant gay-pride-parade float to enter a not-so-tolerant part of town.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your extremely unlucky, almost certainly tragic numbers for this week are 7, 3, and 2006.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although you know it's only a matter of setting boundaries and better managing your time, you will nonetheless continue to struggle to separate your work life from your second work life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Following your mother's uplifting open-casket funeral, you will regret following your instinct to keep the momentum going by having an open-casket burial.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've often been called impolite in the past, but would an impolite person volunteer a seat on his face to pregnant women, the elderly, and physically disabled individuals?
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Years of treasured recollections dating all the way back to your childhood will be lost forever when a four-story fall exposes your photographic memory to daylight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they'll get a little better for about a day or two before reverting back to being equally as bad as they were when you thought they couldn't get worse. A week after that, though—bam!—you'll be proven wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After careful deliberation and a thorough search of their surroundings, crime-scene investigators will finally determine the probable rent of your apartment next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A loud, inconsiderate group of pickup trucks will roll in 15 minutes late and ruin yet another drive-in movie for you this weekend.