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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Many believe there to be no greater shame than profiting from the misfortunes of others, but they'll soon change their minds after watching you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to do so.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have difficulty putting this Thursday's disturbingly violent scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A series of wrong turns combined with a stubborn resistance to ask for directions will cause you, 12 other men, and a giant gay-pride-parade float to enter a not-so-tolerant part of town.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your extremely unlucky, almost certainly tragic numbers for this week are 7, 3, and 2006.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although you know it's only a matter of setting boundaries and better managing your time, you will nonetheless continue to struggle to separate your work life from your second work life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Following your mother's uplifting open-casket funeral, you will regret following your instinct to keep the momentum going by having an open-casket burial.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've often been called impolite in the past, but would an impolite person volunteer a seat on his face to pregnant women, the elderly, and physically disabled individuals?
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Years of treasured recollections dating all the way back to your childhood will be lost forever when a four-story fall exposes your photographic memory to daylight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they'll get a little better for about a day or two before reverting back to being equally as bad as they were when you thought they couldn't get worse. A week after that, though—bam!—you'll be proven wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After careful deliberation and a thorough search of their surroundings, crime-scene investigators will finally determine the probable rent of your apartment next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A loud, inconsiderate group of pickup trucks will roll in 15 minutes late and ruin yet another drive-in movie for you this weekend.


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