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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.


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