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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.

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