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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.

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