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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.
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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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