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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've heard the old expression, "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" many times before, but this week will mark the first time it's used to describe your crippling genetic condition.


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