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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've heard the old expression, "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" many times before, but this week will mark the first time it's used to describe your crippling genetic condition.

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