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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've heard the old expression, "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" many times before, but this week will mark the first time it's used to describe your crippling genetic condition.

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