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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've heard the old expression, "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" many times before, but this week will mark the first time it's used to describe your crippling genetic condition.

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