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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Family

  • Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

    DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.