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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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