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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.

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