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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sure, you may be disappointed with your lackluster weight-loss results, but keep your chin up, as it helps to prevent the deep folds of fat from amassing into a disturbing mound under your jaw.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Researchers at the Center for the Study of Chronology will be left speechless this week after learning how you spend your spare time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon drive an eight-inch blade deep into your brain's occipital lobe in a desperate attempt to remain the center of medical attention.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: While volunteering to remove your shoes before entering a friend's apartment is indeed polite, volunteering to remove your shirt, pants, and undergarments is anything but.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may take pride in your job as a Trojan quality-control tester, but there will come a day when you'll leave it all behind to spend more time with your 37 children.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've assembled a top-notch campaign team, acquired the necessary promotional materials, and toughened your stance on key political issues, but the stars still worry about your tendency to giggle uncontrollably at the word "gubernatorial."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Over the years, many have accused you of being an anal writer, but even they'll be surprised by the publication of your painfully proper Who-has-done-it? mystery.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A calm and orderly evacuation from a burning building will reduce you and hundreds of others to a pile of smoldering ash next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After all that time and hard work, you're starting to wish someone had told you the field of elementary particle physics already had a theory of "quantum chromodynamics."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Following the collection of esteemed advice on the subject from trusted friends and family members, you'll nonetheless choose to rub your irritated eyes raw this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you've tackled the novel numerous times in the past, this week's reading of George Orwell's 1984 will come off as surprisingly dated.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will rock the competitive-eating world this week after deciding to return to the sport just four hours after announcing your retirement.

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