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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sure, you may be disappointed with your lackluster weight-loss results, but keep your chin up, as it helps to prevent the deep folds of fat from amassing into a disturbing mound under your jaw.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Researchers at the Center for the Study of Chronology will be left speechless this week after learning how you spend your spare time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon drive an eight-inch blade deep into your brain's occipital lobe in a desperate attempt to remain the center of medical attention.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: While volunteering to remove your shoes before entering a friend's apartment is indeed polite, volunteering to remove your shirt, pants, and undergarments is anything but.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may take pride in your job as a Trojan quality-control tester, but there will come a day when you'll leave it all behind to spend more time with your 37 children.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've assembled a top-notch campaign team, acquired the necessary promotional materials, and toughened your stance on key political issues, but the stars still worry about your tendency to giggle uncontrollably at the word "gubernatorial."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Over the years, many have accused you of being an anal writer, but even they'll be surprised by the publication of your painfully proper Who-has-done-it? mystery.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A calm and orderly evacuation from a burning building will reduce you and hundreds of others to a pile of smoldering ash next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After all that time and hard work, you're starting to wish someone had told you the field of elementary particle physics already had a theory of "quantum chromodynamics."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Following the collection of esteemed advice on the subject from trusted friends and family members, you'll nonetheless choose to rub your irritated eyes raw this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you've tackled the novel numerous times in the past, this week's reading of George Orwell's 1984 will come off as surprisingly dated.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will rock the competitive-eating world this week after deciding to return to the sport just four hours after announcing your retirement.

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