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Vol 42 Issue 32

Pluto Not A Planet?

Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think?

Texas Penguin Truck Accident

Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think?

New Terror Plot Stopped

The country's aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to blow set off homemade bombs on flights from London...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sure, you may be disappointed with your lackluster weight-loss results, but keep your chin up, as it helps to prevent the deep folds of fat from amassing into a disturbing mound under your jaw.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Researchers at the Center for the Study of Chronology will be left speechless this week after learning how you spend your spare time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will soon drive an eight-inch blade deep into your brain's occipital lobe in a desperate attempt to remain the center of medical attention.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: While volunteering to remove your shoes before entering a friend's apartment is indeed polite, volunteering to remove your shirt, pants, and undergarments is anything but.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You may take pride in your job as a Trojan quality-control tester, but there will come a day when you'll leave it all behind to spend more time with your 37 children.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've assembled a top-notch campaign team, acquired the necessary promotional materials, and toughened your stance on key political issues, but the stars still worry about your tendency to giggle uncontrollably at the word "gubernatorial."
  • Libra

    Libra

    Over the years, many have accused you of being an anal writer, but even they'll be surprised by the publication of your painfully proper Who-has-done-it? mystery.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A calm and orderly evacuation from a burning building will reduce you and hundreds of others to a pile of smoldering ash next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    After all that time and hard work, you're starting to wish someone had told you the field of elementary particle physics already had a theory of "quantum chromodynamics."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Following the collection of esteemed advice on the subject from trusted friends and family members, you'll nonetheless choose to rub your irritated eyes raw this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    While you've tackled the novel numerous times in the past, this week's reading of George Orwell's 1984 will come off as surprisingly dated.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will rock the competitive-eating world this week after deciding to return to the sport just four hours after announcing your retirement.
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