Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sure, you may be disappointed with your lackluster weight-loss results, but keep your chin up, as it helps to prevent the deep folds of fat from amassing into a disturbing mound under your jaw.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Researchers at the Center for the Study of Chronology will be left speechless this week after learning how you spend your spare time.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will soon drive an eight-inch blade deep into your brain's occipital lobe in a desperate attempt to remain the center of medical attention.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: While volunteering to remove your shoes before entering a friend's apartment is indeed polite, volunteering to remove your shirt, pants, and undergarments is anything but.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You may take pride in your job as a Trojan quality-control tester, but there will come a day when you'll leave it all behind to spend more time with your 37 children.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've assembled a top-notch campaign team, acquired the necessary promotional materials, and toughened your stance on key political issues, but the stars still worry about your tendency to giggle uncontrollably at the word "gubernatorial."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Over the years, many have accused you of being an anal writer, but even they'll be surprised by the publication of your painfully proper Who-has-done-it? mystery.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A calm and orderly evacuation from a burning building will reduce you and hundreds of others to a pile of smoldering ash next week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After all that time and hard work, you're starting to wish someone had told you the field of elementary particle physics already had a theory of "quantum chromodynamics."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Following the collection of esteemed advice on the subject from trusted friends and family members, you'll nonetheless choose to rub your irritated eyes raw this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While you've tackled the novel numerous times in the past, this week's reading of George Orwell's 1984 will come off as surprisingly dated.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will rock the competitive-eating world this week after deciding to return to the sport just four hours after announcing your retirement.
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