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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've always claimed to keep a rifle in the house in case a bear ever broke in, but many will still be shocked by what happens when a hirsute and heavyset homosexual mistakenly wanders into your home.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While often upsetting and painful, you can't help but feel your family's never-ending cycle of violence to be quite cathartic the rest of the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As exciting as a fight to the death may sound, you'll be sadly disappointed by the short-lived contest between two infirm centenarians this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your use of sports metaphors will confuse dozens after an attempt to recount the "blow-out" contest between the "frontrunner" and "odds-on favorite" New York Yankees and "bottom-of-the-National League Central-division" Pittsburgh Pirates this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed him from so close.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Rigid standards set by inspectors at the stuck-up Food And Health Board will result in the closing of one of your favorite neighborhood seafood restaurants.