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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've always claimed to keep a rifle in the house in case a bear ever broke in, but many will still be shocked by what happens when a hirsute and heavyset homosexual mistakenly wanders into your home.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While often upsetting and painful, you can't help but feel your family's never-ending cycle of violence to be quite cathartic the rest of the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As exciting as a fight to the death may sound, you'll be sadly disappointed by the short-lived contest between two infirm centenarians this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your use of sports metaphors will confuse dozens after an attempt to recount the "blow-out" contest between the "frontrunner" and "odds-on favorite" New York Yankees and "bottom-of-the-National League Central-division" Pittsburgh Pirates this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed him from so close.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Rigid standards set by inspectors at the stuck-up Food And Health Board will result in the closing of one of your favorite neighborhood seafood restaurants.
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