Aries | March 21 to April 19
You've always claimed to keep a rifle in the house in case a bear ever broke in, but many will still be shocked by what happens when a hirsute and heavyset homosexual mistakenly wanders into your home.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While often upsetting and painful, you can't help but feel your family's never-ending cycle of violence to be quite cathartic the rest of the time.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
As exciting as a fight to the death may sound, you'll be sadly disappointed by the short-lived contest between two infirm centenarians this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your use of sports metaphors will confuse dozens after an attempt to recount the "blow-out" contest between the "frontrunner" and "odds-on favorite" New York Yankees and "bottom-of-the-National League Central-division" Pittsburgh Pirates this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed him from so close.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Rigid standards set by inspectors at the stuck-up Food And Health Board will result in the closing of one of your favorite neighborhood seafood restaurants.
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