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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Things will turn awkward this week when you accuse an entire village of Native American women of leading you on with mixed smoked signals.

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