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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Things will turn awkward this week when you accuse an entire village of Native American women of leading you on with mixed smoked signals.

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