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Vol 42 Issue 34

Camaro Coming Back

General Motors announced that, after a five-year absence, the Camaro will be re-introduced in 2009. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Things will turn awkward this week when you accuse an entire village of Native American women of leading you on with mixed smoked signals.
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