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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.