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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.

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