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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.