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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.

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