Aries | March 21 to April 19
Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
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