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Vol 42 Issue 35

Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44

Steve Irwin, star of Discovery Channel’s The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray while filming in Australia. What do you think?

Nebraska State Trooper In Klan

An arbitrator for the state of Nebraska ruled that a state trooper could not be fired for belonging to the Ku Klux Klan. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
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