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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days after discussing your diagnosis and remaining medical options with family members, an incensed oncologist will sue you for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality.

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