Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days after discussing your diagnosis and remaining medical options with family members, an incensed oncologist will sue you for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality.