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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days after discussing your diagnosis and remaining medical options with family members, an incensed oncologist will sue you for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality.

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