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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.