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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.

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