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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.


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