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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.

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