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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.

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