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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.

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