Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 42 Issue 39

Representative Foley Resigns

Congressman Mark Foley (R–FL) resigned Friday after it was revealed that he exchanged sexually charged Internet chat messages with a teenage boy....
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Holiday

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandalsdepending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More