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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandalsdepending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.

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