Aries | March 21 to April 19
The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.
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