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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandalsdepending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.

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