Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.