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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.

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