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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.

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